Guilt of Envy

I stared at the swings at a distance: the swings we swung. Yellow wooden seats held by bright red chains. I missed feeling the air as I cut swiftly through it. But I missed something even more: her.

The swings were there. I was present too. Only, the one who made everything seem better than it was, was now somewhere far away. And the swings still squeaked as if nature was calling out to me, pitying my loneliness.

And I'm pretty sure my best friend was thinking no differently about me. I needed her yet I wanted her to stay away.

It's strange how sometimes, you cannot understand what you want. I had told the matron I wanted to be adopted too. But the home she had found for me was the complete opposite of where Giselle went: scary and sad. I'd said I didn't want to go. 

I don't like the matron. She found a family for me and sent Giselle instead. Sometimes I feel like she hates me. Or she's a sadist and I'm her poor victim.

She said Giselle was older and she had more right. For all I know, were were both eight. Only, she was a month older.

She calls weekly to apologize and like always, I pretend to sleep under the covers when I'm actually crying. She came over once too. But I ran away into the woods about a mile away.

The children told me she seemed very happy. She dressed much nicer and had grown healthier. And why wouldn't she be? She was taken by the lawyers after all. Her admiration burned me.

I know what emotion is ruling over me now. I'm jealous. Or envious. I'm not sure. I'm just aware of the fact that I don't like my best friend snatching things away from me...even when I know it's not her fault.

I'm fine

I prepared myself for the third time to say it to her face. It was tough but what choice did I have. If I let my heart lose, I knew I would risk her happiness. She would be worried, I knew. And what else is a best friend supposed to do?

I turned around so she couldn't see and shut my eyes, wiping any signs of the moistness of my tears left on my cheeks. I surveyed the reflection that stood in front of me: my twin but just a little squeezed from the shoulder because of the dent embedded within the steel locker.

No red nose?
Check.

White eyes?
Check.

No trembling lips?
Check

I cleared my throat and sound-tested myself.

No quivering voice?
I needed to work on that one. I just prayed she wouldn't make it out.

Random negative thoughts inside my head?
Still storming through.

'Layla.' she sighed in exasperation, 'I know there's something you are not telling me. And for the third time I'm asking you, are you okay?'

The thoughts started getting louder and louder, until I could practically hear them.

No. I'm not okay. I've been hurt and ditched. I've been used. I've gone through a lot yet I haven't told you. I've lost my family and it's been a long time. But I miss them. I want them so bad though I know it's been a deacade since I lost them. I feel so alone all the time and I don't know what to do. And I just don't want to tell you that because I don't want you to judge me, or pity me or react in any way. And I want to keep it to myself because, most of all, you are my best friend and I don't want to worry you.

The thoughts pinched my eyes hard until I could feel them turning red.

'Yeah. It's just the allergies. Otherwise...I'm fine.' and I managed to pull the best smile I could.

It was short. I was simple. And it was something I could easily hide myself behind. It was just a sentence comprising of two words: I'm fine. And the thought of being alone some more stayed with me.