Losing importance

1st June

Miranda: Hi. What's up?

Me: Nothing much. What about u?

Miranda: I'm bored. Hey u wanna go fetch a coffee or something?

Me: Sure.

5th June

Miranda: U r the kind of person I needed. I'm glad u r my friend. Coffee was fun.

Me: Yeah same here. U wanna come over?

Miranda: Sure. I'm on my way.

6th June

Miranda: Your friends were really cool. We all can hang out sometime.

Me: Yeah why not? What about tomorrow?

Miranda: Sounds cool!

8th June

Me: Hey. I waited for your call. Where were u?

Miranda: Oh I called u. But u didn't pick up. So your friends n I went without u. I hope u didn't mind.

Me: Of course not. But I checked n I never received a call.

Me: Miranda?

Me: Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooo

10th June

Miranda: Oh hey I was busy. Sorry. 

Me: Wow. U replied pretty early -.- 

Me: U got any plans for weekend? Hellooooooooooooooooooooooo

15th June

Me: I heard you've been avoiding me. I hope that's not true.

20th June

Me: Miranda I don't get you anymore. First you call us best friends and then you go out with my friends n don't text me back. What do u want?

Me: U know what? Maybe people are right. U ARE avoiding me. 

23rd June

Me: I'm sorry if I ever did anything wrong. Though I don't know what I did. Bye Miranda. I hope you forgive me if I ever hurt you in any way. :(

Miranda: Bye.

Being rejected when it's no one's fault

I looked at the mirror. Pouted face. The one with a smile. A grin. I couldn't look worse in any way. Not that I always had the same negative thoughts about myself. Not a couple of years ago. No. Not months. Not even days. Or hours. Yes...hours. A few hours.

A few hours ago. I turned around me. I had run out of tissues. But the stubborn tears remained, falling like they belonged to a broken faucet. Broken by words. Yes, words. Trust me, you may forget a year old slap but words haunt you for a lifetime.

They live in the things you do which remind you of the words. And in my case, their dwelling was the mirror, my watch, metal and almost everything out there which bore my reflection.

You are not like us. You are not pretty. I mean just look at your eyes. Can't they be a nicer colour? Or what about your skin tone? You look like an unpeeled potato. 

She giggled away with her friends as I stood there. All I did was ask to be friends. I never said anything impolite. But funny isn't it? I remember each and every word she spat. And every syllable stabs me over and over.

We studied in science. It's all because of the melanin and the genes. which our parents lend to us. But who's fault is this? My parents'? Mine? Or is it just luck? I don't know who to blame. God I suppose...considering what my mother told me just now when she spotted me weeping.

Linda. You are just beautiful. Just look at the people who are blind. Or those who are missing out on eating with their hands or having a walk around without a wheelchair. Have you ever thought about them? Thank God he made you better than them.

So maybe it was his fault. And I was wrong not thanking him for that. But what could I do? There is this thing you call world...it just turns you selfish and keeps you asking for more.

And that, sadly, isn't my fault either.

Blaming fate

She stood there, her nose glued to the window. As she sighed, her breath left a patch of fog on the window. She pressed her hands towards the clear glass, staring in awe at the hanging purses and dresses: the sight was amazing.

A woman loaded with silver jewellery, carelessly opened the door and brought a wave of heat from the inside. She realised she was very cold and sniffed. The stuffy nose was getting to her. She craved to get inside.

No. Not for the expensive clothes or the purse. Yes, for that as well but there was something more she wanted. She wanted to be well. To be free from the world she was living in. The world she called 'outside'.

She watched the woman with the swinging bag get into a sleek black car she didn't even know the name of. If only she had been the one on the driver's seat. If only the woman had the chance to be in her shoes for a while. Shoes? What shoes? She giggled at her own sick joke and then sighed in agony once again.

She sprinted towards the car, knowing the woman would never pay attention yet holding onto hope.

Miss. I'm hungry. I don't have a shilling and I have so many to feed. Please ma'am.

But the woman drove away, oblivious of a young girl having little in her pocket but a lot to wish for. She ran back to the shop window but something stopped her in her tracks...

How many times do I have to tell you we don't have anything to give? Now go away. I see you touching those windows one more time and you'll be in a lot of trouble. Now go!

The worker was quite harsh. The girl never did anything wrong. She never stole a shilling. All she did was wish. Was she not allowed that? But fate was cruel enough to restrict her to everything until she died of hunger on a cold winter night.

Nothing was to blame. Not her. Not the rich woman. Not the worker. Just fate: the fact that she was born an annoying beggar. The hard truth that things would take too long to change in her case...longer than her life.

Being left alone

She could still recall her father's words the day he got married.

I'm sure she'll love you like your mother used to. And I'll be glad if you try.

She was never a big fan of Cinderella. It all seemed like fantasy. But she knew that somewhere deep inside, her heart wasn't read to welcome the lady who once walked down the aisle to her father. She waved the feelings aside, tried to strangle them with her unconditional love for the woman.

She called her 'mommy' the very next morning.

I'm not your mommy. Rather just call me Rachel. 

That was the second memory still clear in her mind. The way she said it, it seemed as if Rachel hated her.

Months flew by and she kept on trying only to be mocked at or to be passed on home chores to. Alicia was done with trying. And the very next day, she had to listen to something which let her insides writhe with anger.

I don't know what's wrong with you Alicia. I said something to you on the day of my wedding and I can't believe you couldn't do that one single thing I asked you for. I know it hurts, but you are a disappointment. I thought Rachel won't be nice to you but turns out you switched places with her now didn't you?

She listened to him quietly when she caught sight of the slightly open door and under that slice of light that poured through, Rachel listened with a malicious smile of satisfaction etched on her face.

That was the last memory she had. The last of her whole life. The anger had drowned, but the sadness remained. The feeling of helplessness which pushed her off the terrace and stayed until her vision blurred and she slowly bled to death. 

A strange desire

What do you want? First you call me up asking me to come over and then when I do you send me back?

I'm sorry. I just wanted to be alone.

So why did you call me up?

Because I...

I didn't know what to say. I was so confused myself. It felt as if all that I'd gone through had shaken me so bad that my mind and heart had lost contact. I wanted things and I didn't want them. And I don't know what I was supposed to do about it.

See? You don't know what to say. That's because you don't deserve friends. You like hurting people. And I'm sorry but I can't take this anymore.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry alright? Please don't leave me alone like Kate and...

You know what? Now I understand why they left you and like it or not, I think they actually made the right choice.

She hung up on me. The words she hurled at me echoed in my mind. I knew I hurt people but none of that was my fault.

My sister's accident had left me so broken that I could hardly make out what I actually wished for. And no one was there to tell me everything was going to be fine. No one had the time to lend me a shoulder to cry on. Everyone was just so lost in their own realm of sorrow. Mom, Dad...everyone. There wasn't anyone beside me. Just a strange feeling: I wanted to be alone yet I didn't want to be.